Just as the title goes, sth to say to myself
Start
It has been a long time since my last post.How time flies, now I am a third year student, struggling for the undetermined future.Just an hour ago, I looked the blogs of two classmates, who are for sure excellent in our college.They have clear goals, their favorite fields of CS, either research or frontend design. I used to consider myself as a “thoughtful” person majored in computer science.However, after three years college study, something has escaped from my life without my attention.
Frankly speaking, I was touched and cannot help thinking about my own life,
what I have done? what should I do? what will I do?
Continue
With excitement and passion, when I first created this blog system in 2019, I was quite confident about the future. I started to learn every new things that could encounter in courses. Machine learning, jupyter notebook, tensorflow, pytorch, latex, regular expression …
Although recalling what I have learnt by myself, they are just “nothing” (yes, maybe just nothing) for a programmer, the process is of great satisfaction to me. Nothing seems difficult once I decided to learn.
However
Later on, I realized the gap between me and those excellent students, which cannot be filled simply by things called “diligence”. What I have known is far less than what I still need to mater.
During the past three years, I have devoted myself to study and research. However, not as expected in most “dogmatic” story, I didn’t get outstanding scores.
Due to myself or the course design of our school, up till now, I still feel that I am not a “true programmer”.
I am eager for experience, no matter “coding experience, learning experience, working experience, project experience”. I think I am lack of enough practice and I am indeed a lazy guy, which makes me painful.
The epidemic exposes my weakness and mess up my plans. Year two is quite a hard academic year for me. Witnessing people around working hard, I seems to be trapped in a pitfall, keep static and cannot step forward. I did try my best to develop self-discipline and spare no effort to learning. Whereas, due to my personal reason, I found nothing truly interesting for me.
Coding, machine learning, algorithms, what I am happy about is not these stuffs (though they are good to me and at least I do non hate them).
Sometimes, I reckon myself as a boring person, who have no big dreams, no true interests, no one to share my ideas. I keep a regular life routine unchanged for almost two years. Get up, go to lectures, eat lunch, go to lectures, study in the library until late, take a shower, sleep. Go to the gym every other day to keep myself healthy. I just write down these things for myself. Even from my perspective, this kind of life is boring. I cannot truly love sth consistently, even though they can attract my attention for a moment. Maybe that’s the reason…
Therefore, no wonder I am perplexed about my future.
Setting up clear goals is always hard for me, though I am not saying to give up.
And
Anyway, this college is not an ideal place for me, for I am kinda timid. It belongs to those who are brave and clear about their goals. Not to blame CS major or our school, I have to say CS major is still an optimal choice in contemporary society and I do not regret choosing this. Our school is good, with good facilities, some good professors, some good students, anyway, maybe not that suitable for person of my type.
End
When writing this blog, I still have three homeworks, research project, group project to finish. And I am working hard to prepare CV and pursue an intern.
Despite the heavy burden, I still want to write down sth, which is important for the “real me”.
Emotions should have one place to go, this blog could be a wonderful place. Though complaining about so much things, I think I still have the courage and perseverance to continue working hard.
Never give up yourself. Keep going is the best choice for me.